Grandinite

UPDATE:

I might be talking with Rob Breakenridge about this tonight at about 8:30, which is near the end of the show. Click the pic around that time to listen in!

This was originally going to be a “50 Canadians most in need of a vicious beatdown”, which is a ripoff of a recent list from the Phat Phree, but since this is Canada, and the PC crowd gets their panties twisted over insinuations of violence against an identifiable people group, I thought I’d tame it down a bit.

However annoying these people are, they are still people. Even though there are elements of society that just need to be shitkicked (to quote some famous words), Canada is a place of tolerance and acceptance, and we as Canadians are bound by law to tolerate mere annoyances in our midst. Pfffff…

Back in 2004, Autonomous Source conducted a poll on the most annoying Canadians, and I aim to build on this noble effort. So here are the 40 most annoying Canadians, based on a complex series of calculations I don’t care to discuss.

40. Me. For compiling this list. But I’m not as annoying as Warren Kinsella.

39. Warren Kinsella. A nice, smart guy, but he deserves an obligatory mention. Annoying.

38. Celine Dion. Yes, America, you can have her. Our hearts will go on.

37. John Ralston Saul. Every time your standard of living goes down, J.R. is there to blame it on the faceless oligarch globalists, not the GG’s spending habits.

36. David “The Scum” Frum. He once wrote speeches for a certain President in a certain country south of the border, not that there’s anything wong with that. He’s not Canada’s most annoying Neocon, but close.

35. Stockwell Day. Enough said.

34. Michael J. Fox. I know he’s got an ailment and we shouldn’t kick a man while he’s down. He was okay back when it was cool to wear high-tops with blazers.

33. Scott Brison. This guy has the Liberal talking points memorized. Which is why he’s so annoying.

32.Irshad Manji. The Muslim Fundies have launched a Jihad on her ass, and I heard that the Americans were going to bomb the Middle East with copies of her books on Islam. Maybe they can drop her off there too.

31. Don Cherry. Love him or hate him, he’s still annoying – with or without the seven second delay. Beauty!

30. Rick Mercer. He would normally rank quite a bit higher, but has gained a bit of ’street cred’ for firing up a blog. However, I often wonder what he’s trying to accomplish with the jilted camera work used in his monologues. Maybe it’s motion sickness that has me so annoyed.

29. Justin Trudeau and the Toronto media. That wedding coverage was so lame, and we don’t want your stupid Trudeau Dynasty.

28. Naked guy at the Pride Parade. Kids don’t need to see that. Kiss all you want, but please keep the towels in the Bath House.

27. Spare change guy. You know the one. The guy with headphones nicer than yours who is not as old as you are, but insists that patrons of Starbucks hand out their spare change to him for a ‘bus ticket’, which is really just street-lingo for “hookers and crack”. Then he acts all annoyed when you tell him you can get him a job for 15 dollars an hour.

26. Gwynne Dyer and his coat. Leather Jacket guy needs to get with the times and invest in a new leather jacket. That thing looks like a steer lost a battle with an Abrams tank. It always makes for an interesting drinking game if you can do a shot of whiskey for every time he utters the word “empire” in one of his episodes of televised punditry.

25. Hayden Christensen. Could there be a more hollow actor? Oh, wait.

24. Keanu Reeves. Five words: A Walk in the Clouds.

23. Svend ‘Diamonds’ Robinson. Watching his fall from grace was not only annoying, but just downright painful.

22. Chad Kroeger. Nickelback’s front man looks more like a gay Jesus than anything. Jesus was straight.

21. Government workers. Have you ever seen them in action? Yeah, the key there is ‘inaction’. They can’t work more than seven hours a day, because that would compromise their work-life balance of eating Cheetos and watching Jeopardy at 4:30.

20. Maude Barlow. Canada’s establishment pundit is keen to warn you that the Americans will invoke the Truman Doctrine in order to confiscate all of our natural resources to fuel their conspicuous consumption. Always fighting against something, whatever it is. For some strange reason, the only way you, too, can fight back is to buy her latest book.

19. Dan Akroyd. Shoulda tapped out with Ghostbusters man. Quit while you’re ahead, you know.

18. Telemarketers. You sit down on the can to do your business and halfway through crunching one out, the phone rings. “Hello, this is Bob” says the South Asian voice on the phone after a three second delay “Would you like to subscribe to Primus long distance?”. Dude, subscribe to my blog. I’ll cut you a deal

17. Alan Thicke. You know what’s thick? His hair. It’s like Lego hair.

16. Rachel Marsden. Yeah she’s hot, but what are you going to do? She’s still Canada’s most annoying Neocon.

15. Carolyn Parrish. Shut up!

14. Howie Mandel. I no longer dine at Boston Pizza because of the torment also known as his commercials. That bucket hat is very creepy. You are bald, Howie. Embrace it.

13. David Ahenakew. Re: comments on Jews. Doesn’t this guy own like 5 Humvees and a Lear jet? Humvees are annoying.

12. Avi Lewis. We know what you’re against, but what are you for? Or so read a poster on campus advertising over-priced tickets to watch him speak. No, Argentinians engaged in co-operative production using funny money do not have a higher standard of living than Canadians. Get over it.

11. Lefty-WASPS with Dreads. Sons and daughters of establishment types who find the NDP too conservative and insist on free everything. Stop drinking your bong water.

10. Sheila Copps. She ain’t my baby, and boy am I glad.

9. Corey Hart. Just because. What a wanker.

8. William Shatner. I find his over-zealous enthusiasm for fibre to be downright disturbing.

7. Naomi Klein. If I ever want to consume a worldview that has been prepackaged for me to communicate with Lefty-Wasps with Dreads or the Spare Change guy, I’ll drop 30 bucks on one of her books from Canada’s most monopolistic bookseller, Chapters. Especially if it were printed on hemp paper by a synarchist collective of book printers.

6. Ben Mulroney. Orange skin tones were sooo 2004, Ben. If I had a Loonie for every time he Metro’d out by pairing Adidas shoes, a gawd-awful t-shirt and a pinstriped suit jacket, I’d have, well, a lot of loonies. The next Michael J. Fox.

5. Jack Layton. He must be on the same diet as William Shatner. Dude, relax.

4. Gurmant Grewal. One greasy MoFo.

3. David Suzuki. Every time you litter, fail to recycle, drive a non-hybrid automobile or use coal-based energy in any form, he sheds a tear. Stop crying, David. It will be okay.

2. Canadian Tire Kid. The fat pudgy bastard whose Dad buys him all manner of labour-saving gadgetry. If he ever snuck up on me with that Sea-Doo undewater scooter, I’d drown him after making him eat his shark fin.

1. Canadian Tire Dad. I swear that this guy is a CSIS agent hired by the folks at Finance Canada to fuel the consumption of more useless stuff from China. He’s stupid enough to believe that a solar panel will power his spotlight. Idiocy I tell you. If it’s not Finance Canada, then it’s some national association of Bankruptcy Trustees who hope to capitalize on a wave of bankruptcies stemming from people actually trying to keep up with this guy’s spending habits.