There’s a really interesting book on romantic love I’ve gotta read, and it’s called Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love because it looks at romantic love (eros) from a reality-based perspective of chemistry.
This form of love is mostly a chemical addiction or dependence on another, due in part to phermones, hormones and whatnot. When people “fall in love”, their bodies release all these nice chemicals when they’re around eachother for the first little while. Love is like any other drug: as our bodies become used to it, each additional “hit” delivers less and less kick to get high off of.
This is probably why romantic love fades after a while, as the “let’s get it on” chemicals are replaced by the “let’s get a mortgage, a baby and a car seat” chemicals.
Monogamy is probably not natural for humans; such is the human nature, and so since familiarity breeds contempt, people begin to look elsewhere to find another who will trigger all those nice chemicals again. Hence the term “In love with being in love”. You see it in people who can only date a person for a couple of months, then, when the novelty wears off, they subconsiously sabotage the relationship or consciously dump the other person in order to find a new mate.
Dr. Susan Block has an awesome article on this, and I really agree with this excerpt:
But if you’re with the right person, the cozy compounds that concoct Warm Love create a “good addiction,” helping to keep you happy together long after your Hot Love peaks have petered out. Warm Love chemicals aren’t just a high; they’re a health benefit, naturally strengthening your heart and immune system. And yet, without that exhilaratingly giddy fizz of Hot Love, you may feel you’ve fallen out of love. Have you?
Well, yes and no. It’s natural to only feel Hot Love with your partner in the beginning. Then, if you just go according to Nature’s Plan, the relationship evolves into Warm Love, never to scale the delightfully dizzying summits of Hot Love again, or at least, not very often. Not that all of us require multiple helpings of Hot Love throughout life. But without it-even with plenty of Warm Love-most of us feel a bit empty and bored. That’s why so many people in genuinely “happy marriages” have affairs, restlessly seeking that elusive Hot Love fix.
After all, the easiest way to experience Hot Love is with a new lover. Novelty triggers PEA like the sun brings out the string bikinis. It may be disturbing, but it’s undeniably true: there is no aphrodisiac like fresh meat.
But it’s also possible to trick those mercurial Hot Love chemicals into kicking in–if both you and your partner really want to–by adding new elements to your old relationship.
Of course, you knew that already, didn’t you? Every self-help sexpert and romance hustler tells you to try new things. But do you actually do it? See, that’s the trick.
Sometimes all it takes is the simplest novelties: Surprising each other with a sexy (but not appalling) new look or spending the weekend in a strange (but not uncomfortable) locale. Yes indeed, these are some of the oldest tricks in the book because they very often work, literally tricking your nervous system into reacting as if “Wow! Something new is happening here! I’m falling in love!” Your chemical soup is stirred, your heart beats fast and fireworks explode, all with the same old sweetheart.
I know people who are still in love because they embark on projects together, be it building a new home, travelling across the continent or whatever. If my one friend reads this, he’ll know it’s his parents. I’m sure their marriage isn’t “perfect” in all regards, but they’ve been together for like 30 years or more, and they always seem happy. I think it’s because they’ve been able to keep a newness through working on new projects together. Projects are important.
But this isn’t to say that their marriage has survived due to their ability to trigger hormonal romantic love. Romantic love isn’t the basis upon which one raises a family. Like I said, as relationships develop, the more horny hormones are replaced by more chilled-out hormones, which is probably why males wonder why female libido wanes.
I liked this excerpt from The Economist, because it discusses how love operates via three different systems of the body. Our bodies are set up such that emotionally, we want a deep attachment, and even if we have that, we can still have feelings for a person other than our partner, yet never act on them; furthermore, physically we want variety.
Such is the nature of the Beast known as Human Nature. It’s no wonder these three systems create havoc, confusion and strife.
Wonderful though it is, romantic love is unstable—not a good basis for child-rearing. But the final stage of love, long-term attachment, allows parents to co-operate in raising children. This state, says Dr Fisher, is characterised by feelings of calm, security, social comfort and emotional union.
Because they are independent, these three systems can work simultaneously—with dangerous results. As Dr Fisher explains, “you can feel deep attachment for a long-term spouse, while you feel romantic love for someone else, while you feel the sex drive in situations unrelated to either partner.” This independence means it is possible to love more than one person at a time, a situation that leads to jealousy, adultery and divorce—though also to the possibilities of promiscuity and polygamy, with the likelihood of extra children, and thus a bigger stake in the genetic future, that those behaviours bring. As Dr Fisher observes, “We were not built to be happy but to reproduce.”
The stages of love vary somewhat between the sexes. Lust, for example, is aroused more easily in men by visual stimuli than is the case for women. This is probably why visual pornography is more popular with men. And although both men and women express romantic love with the same intensity, and are attracted to partners who are dependable, kind, healthy, smart and educated, there are some notable differences in their choices. Men are more attracted to youth and beauty, while women are more attracted to money, education and position. When an older, ugly man is seen walking down the road arm-in-arm with a young and beautiful woman, most people assume the man is rich or powerful.
Love, to me, is God in action. It’s choosing to love another, even when you don’t “feel” like it. This is why Love follows commitment: even though you may have a long-term partner, you can still develop feelings for another. At that point, it’s entirely your problem to deal with, as commitment requires you to direct those romantic feelings towards your betrothed. This is why it’s important for married people to guard their hearts closely when around members of the opposite sex, because you never know who or when your body will act up and confuse you.
Love isn’t a feeling caused by an emotional rush; rather it’s a choice, an action, and sometimes you have to choose to direct those “feelings” towards the one you’re with.
