Grandin News Network (GNN) - Edmonton, Alberta.
In an impromptu press conference held on his front lawn somewhere in Northwest Edmonton, 441201V 81244731V made a startling announcement, completely out of the blue. “Yup. The rumors are true - I am moving to the United States of ‘Murikuh to become a part of the brain drain. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and if there’s a line, get in it, I always say”.
Above: 81244731V - “This announcement will shock you”.
When asked how this would affect the administration of his blogs, Grandinite and Alberta Blogs, 81244731V had mixed feelings. “Well, I know there are going to be people who are happy for me, but there’s always going to be that faux-nationalist NDP-votin’ Maude Barlow readin’ looney toon who’s going to talk about how I’m enabling the transnational bloc of post-capitalist uber-elite corporations to poach our best and brightest away from Canada. They’ve gotta chill and realize that when opportunity knocks, you’ve gotta answer, regardless of what Jack Layton believes about NAFTA and the mobility of labour across our borders”.
Noticeably, 81244731V has changed his name from its previous “Braaten”. His explanation was that “It’s just leet speak for my real name. I really am adopting a new identity when I move to the US. I’ll have a new SS#, and will be like a brand new baby. It’s a chance to start completely over in a new culture. I hear they don’t have too many Tim Horton’s down there, so that’s gonna be a total culture shock for me. I mean, I’ve tried the Krispy Kreme donuts, but they’re just not the same. Donuts are meant to be served at room temperature, not scorching hot”.
Reporters pressed 81244731V for details regarding the location and type of employment, but he remained reserved. “All I can say is that it’s for a Fortune 500 company, is located somewhere in the US and I’ll be doing what I do best - readin’ ritin’ and a bit of ‘rithmetic here and there. I’ll have to wait on words from my higher-ups, see. This is a personal blog, and I intend to keep it that way”.
81244731V will be moving sometime at the end of September and will commence work in early October. “This is a permanent position. Hopefully I’m able to cut it down there and make a name for myself, just like any other greasy, overeducated immigrant would. I mean, I’ve applied for jobs in Calgary and have gotten shut out like you wouldn’t believe. But they’ll be the ones paying to wipe my arse when I get back. Just you watch. I’ve accepted it, I mean, no hard feelings. Every Canadian has to go to the US and get approved by Americans before they earn their due respet back home. Thanks for the cheap education, Canada”.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Welcome to the ex-pat community!
Oh crap.
The artist known as 81244731V is moving to the States?
Well I for one am going to feel the loss.
Where else but in Grandinite can I ratscrabble in the early hours of the morning just to get over my hangover?…occupational therapy till I get betta.
Who is going to give me assists and links to my poor novels now? I used to brag that I had been cited in Grandinite. I had held that Aaron Braaten was not only a master economist but a budding Lionel Trilling when it came to reviewing my Light Over Newmarket.
Surely you are joshing.
Ferfukkin sure there is this brain drain.
Damn damn doubedamn.
Hating to see you go, pal.
Ah, kinda thinking of Hunter S. Thompson’s quote of St. Paul:
“If they shit on you in one city, move to another city.”
Clearly you are going down to the USA to work in the CIA secret camps as a interrogator.
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