What Must I Do to be Albertan?

I was having a discussion with some random guy yesterday, and we were talking about our shared experience of being Albertan. We had a lot in common, I suppose. We’ve both worked in construction in the middle of nowhere. We’ve both been to West Edmonton Mall. The whole conversation had me thinking - what are some things you can do in Alberta, that you can’t do anywhere else on this planet? Which of our experiences are distinctly Albertan?

This might be a challenge one would expect from Alberta Views. Instead, you’re reading about it from Grandinite.

Picture this. A guy walks up to you on the street, and instead of asking you for spare change, he asks you: “What must I do to be Albertan?”

How would you answer?

Name ten things you can only do in Alberta. Those ten experiences that are uniquely Albertan - I want to hear them.

#10. Be an Ironic PoMo Whyte Ave Scenester.
Learn to love irony, busking, the colour black, tight pants, being underweight and huge sunglasses. Just walk up and down Whyte. You don’t have to do anything at all. Maybe pretend you’re in a band, and then hit the Black Dog pub. Revel in the irony of whatever message is on that t-shirt of yours.

#9. Work Construction With A Newfoundlander or Cape Bretoner.

Bonus points if you drop out of grade 9 to get your trades ticket to do this. The money’s too good to waste time with school anyhow. Some people are lucky enough to work with an easterner. The By’es from the Rock all seem to know each other, or know a buddy’s mudder or fodder in what’s his name’s town down the road. You’ll learn how to stay where you’re at, until buddy gets where you’re to. You’ll drink Screech and hear them regale you with tales of Lotto 6/42 (work 6 weeks, collect pogey for 42). Newfoundland really is the land of milk and honey. And its second-largest city is Fort McMurray.

8. Blow an entire paycheck on HBC.

HBC, man. Hookers, Blow & Casinos. Almost everyone in this province knows someone who’s blown at least a week’s wages on moral debauchery. One week you’re up, the next week you’re down. Up down. Up down. Your life becomes a microcosm of Alberta’s fiscal situation. Bonus points if you pawn your truck to keep the dream alive for another week.

#7. Hit West Edmonton Mall.
You can’t say you’re an Albertan until you’ve stepped foot inside this temple of mass consumerism. Go the extra step and put that 56 inch HDTV on layaway.

#6. Be in Calgary during Stampede.
From my understanding, Stampede is the week where bankers wear cowboy boots. Imagine that - bankers in cowboy boots. I think everyone gets drunk, sleeps with everyone else, and then they get promotions.

#5. Experience Red Deer.

Red Deer is all about subtle tension and dichotomies. Get drunk on Saturday. Go to church on Sunday. Cheer for the Stampeders when football’s on. Then, root for the Oilers in the winter. Who are you, Red Deer? Christian, or pisstank? Oilers or Flames? Stamps or Eskies? Experience Red Deer. Feeeeel the tension.

#4. Drive the Yellowhead.

From mountains to foothills, to parkland to plains. This is Alberta. Drive that highway all the way from Jasper to Lloydminster. Head out from Jasper. Hit Miette Hot Springs. Take note of the big trucks in Hinton. Find Edson’s giant Meth sign. Visit the Yellowhead Casino in Edmonton. Drive past Refinery Row. Get a picture with the giant easter egg. Stop in the middle of Lloydminster and find the border. One foot in Alberta, the other in Saskatchewan. Lloydminster. Ha!

#3. Wear an oilers jersey and drive a jacked-up 4×4 with a dirtbike in the box, down an oil lease road while blasting Nickleback and shotgunning a Pil.

If you’ve ever been to Rocky Mountain House, Rimbey, Red Deer, Grande Prairie, Edson, Hinton or Fort Mac, you know what I’m talking about. Sure, one could find the essential ingredients for such an adventure in B.C., Saskatchewan, and even Newfoundland. But there’s something FUBAR-esque about this experience. I’ve never done it. But damn. There’s something Albertan about it.

2. See the Giant Stuff.

THIS LINK will get you started.

1. See the oil sands for yourself.
Get a tour of the oil sands. Skinny-dip in a tailings pond. Eat a tar sand beetle. Whatever it takes, see this place for yourself.

There you have it. Ten experiences that you can only get in Alberta.